The Good Beard Guide

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Everything you wanted to know about facial hair but were afraid to ask

They are as much a part of the festival scene as warm lager and overflowing toilets. Yes we are talking beards, the ultimate fashion statement for the good festival gentlemen. However there is more to the festival beard than just going a few weeks without shaving and turning up on site. Beards come in all shapes and sizes and this guide aims to highlight the main types of facial hair you could bump into. We start with the least impressive and move down to the main players as the guide goes along. Also there is a growth guide, information on how long it will take to perfect the different types of beard. Additionally an assessment will be made on whether the beard is stylish or a stubbly mess. References will be made to famous rock stars favouring the looks, and the definitive personality in each section will be listed. Finally a message to any bearded readers of this guide. This is intended as a light hearted guide to festival beard fashion so if offended please don't beat me up. Oh and to anyone who falls into the categories not deemed cutting edge fashion - You can always shave it off.

1. The Bum Fluff

They are beloved of the first time festival goer in their teens and are almost certainly a first foray into the beard world. Usually consisting of a weak moustache plus anything else that they can actually grow. Notable for going 3 weeks or more without shaving (not that shaving was much of a task anyway). Nonetheless they are worn with distinct pride, however the wearer is completely oblivious to the fact that no one else takes any notice as they can't see a blind bit of difference and this includes his mother. However it is the first step on the road to hairy immortality and we should applaud this. Famous wearers, the Arctic Monkeys

2. The Goatee

Perhaps this is the most celebrated of the festival beards. It is certainly the most common. It is the type of beard most favoured by the rock stars themselves (Dave Grohl, Huey from Fun Lovin' Criminals, The Edge), and a lot of the fans tend to mimic these appearances. The goatee can come in a surprising amount of shapes and forms, the most common is the full one incorporating the tache and beard bits. Some folk forego either one or the other bits to change things round, or go one step further and create a bit of beard art by creating slithers of beard and the little triangle of hair just below the lip known as the chin puff is a common choice.
Goat Man - The Classic Look

Hardcore metallers like the hair only on the bottom of the chin look I am reliably informed this is called the Norris Skipper, these more fancy designs usually being accompanied by tattoos and piercing's. The final goatee design involves letting the bottom bit grow down a long way, combine this with a bald dome and you have the Nick Oliveri look.

Growing the goatee should not take a very long while for the mature man, just remember to shave the other bits an away you go. The design element to it means that you can also redesign it by chopping bits off, though adding bits looks silly while they are growing to match the other bits - best stay inside whilst this is occurring. The finished efforts though when well done are quite striking and are definitely on the stylish list for festival beards. Famous wearer, Dave Grohl.

3. The Handlebar

Not really a beard this one more of a design based around the moustache. The concept is to grow or extend if you like, the tache round the chops to meet the line of the sideburns. Alternatively the tache can be left suspended or drooping. This latter effort is a common sight at gay clubs all over the world, and usually is accompanied by a leather fashion look. In the world of rock perhaps the most famous handlebar is worn by Lemmy (legend has it that he was born with it), though others include the Village People and Eagles of Death Metal's Jesse Hughes.
Lemmy - Grab my handlebar girls

Growing the handlebar is a similar task to the goatee, though it should be noted that sideburns usually need to be developed in conjunction with the tache. You must give express instructions to your barber to leave them when he gets busy with his clippers. It has to be said that the best handlebars are the more mature looking ones, and these can take up to 6 months to perfect. Famous wearer, Lemmy.

4. The Rimmer

This is sort of a polar opposite to the handlebar. No real effort is made to cultivate a moustache and the facial hair is cultivated along the jaw line running from the ears to meet in the centre of the chin, hence the name, as it runs around the rim of the face. It is a look worn by a lot of farmers and it is therefore appropriate that the most celebrated wearer of this type is Michael Eavis owner of Worthy Farm and master of Glastonbury. The Eavis look has also spawned some tributes from loyal fans. The late great John Peel also toyed with this look in the distant past, as probably did several members of Pink Floyd (except Sid who was way too cool for a beard).

It is best suited to a more mature person and the look is aided by a bald pate and slightly greying hair. It is not really a look for the festivals in general, but is included here because if is good enough for one of the major players on the UK festival scene it is good enough for us. Famous wearer, Michael Eavis.

5. The Full Face

This does exactly what it says on the tin but we are splitting this into two categories. The neat and tidy full beard for those taking pride in their appearance and the ragged arse look for those who have the appearance of someone who has slept all night on a park bench and has then been dragged from it and through a hedge backwards. The former look is perfected by some of the stylish men of rock, like the late Robert Palmer, George Michael, and the Gibb brothers. It is an everyday sensible look and anyone at a festival could get away with this. Growing time would be 3 months or so for a reasonable effort, though regular trims are needed to prevent it crossing the pretty thin line into the scruffy category.
Chas or Dave? - Not sure but great beard

Where to start with the scruffy beard? The list of famous wearers is as long as your arm (Mick Rutherford, Kurt Cobain, Chas n Dave, Pete Townshend). The big advantage of the scruffy look of course is that it takes on real effort apart from the growing. Little trimming or shaping and of course you save a fortune on shaving equipment. This is definitely a festival look, especially if accompanied by ripped jeans and a holey green and black striped jumper. Growing time for this beard is really indefinite though with all prolonged cases a leap into the next category will occur at some stage around the 5 year mark unless pride is swallowed and a little bit of tidying takes place every now and again. Famous wearers Chas n Dave.

6. Biker Chic

Caution. This type of beard will only be realistic at certain festivals. These are the biker events, normally organised by Hells Angel types, who are of course all lovely people (no really they are, we mean this). At events such as the Bulldog Bash and the Rock n Blues custom show these beards are the height of fashion. The accompanying fashions include leather, studs, patches, oily jeans and of course a Harley, preferably with a stunning chick on the back. It has long been rumoured that these beards have some sort of mystical pulling power over the female of the species, though for anyone attending Rock and Blues in 2005 this obviously does not hold true for ginger beards.
A Life's work - The biker look

Growing time for a decent biker beard is at least a lifetime, and the stages of a biker's life development can be traced by investigating the beard's layers, in pretty much the same way as a geologist would catagorise rocks. The ages are generally similar too. Naturally celebrity wearers of this look come from this genre so step forward Dave Brock of Hawkwind, ZZ Top, and Dumpy (he of the rusty nuts fame). Famous wearer, Roy Wood.

This covers most of your typical festival beard types. Of course if you would like to contribute a specific design, get in touch and write us a brief description along with some photographic evidence. Finally why not go even further and grow one of your own.

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The Rimmer - As modelled by Sir Michael of Eavis

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